This was passed along to me, and as soon as I saw it, I knew that my prayers had been answered. My prayers at that exact moment were for a toasted bagel (which I got), two matching socks (found in a laundry basket not three minutes later), and for some conservative, somewhere, to freak out about brown people so that I could have a good laugh over it. On the last of these, I felt surely doomed -- it had been tens of minutes, perhaps, since the last time a conservative freaked out about a brown person, and I thought perhaps the streak was finally over -- but the Internet provided hope where once there was none. The same magical shuffling of electrons that had previously provided me nearly unintelligible, haiku-like offers for male enhancement products and stock tips so hot that they could only be expressed as heavily pixelated inline graphics now opened up again to deliver, Phoenix-like (as in the town, not the bird: hotter than hell and expanding at an even more rapid pace), my deliverance.
It was not just a random conservative freaking out about scary brown people, you see. It was a Let's All Freak Out About Brown People Together Book Offer. The book has been out for some time: the email, though, is brand spanking new.
Dear Fellow Conservative:
At this point, I am already smitten. I put down my bagel, which I realize only now may or may not be considered ethnic food, but it is too late for that: my genetic structure is already changing, altered irrevocably, a mere pawn to my raisin-and-cinnamon-imbued destiny.
Someday soon, you might wake up to the call to prayer from a Muslim muezzin. Millions of Europeans already do.
When I was growing up -- and mind you, I lived in a my fair share of different places, growing up in Southern California -- we were never more than perhaps a mile from a church of one denomination or another. And by God (literally), they played those bells (recordings of bells played through loudspeakers, actually: I don't think I ever lived in a neighborhood where the churches could afford actual, bona fide bells) every hour of every Sunday, every Holy Day, and for every service in general, whether there was anything especially Holy about that day or not. I never thought much about it until just now, but thinking back on it, I am suddenly resentful.
Not about the bells, mind you, but about the fact that I wasted decade after decade not knowing that there was something else in this world that I should have been freaking out about all this time. I could have had my parents build a bellproof shelter in the backyard to protect us from Monsignor O'Malley's siren song, but I didn't. Instead, we went to that church, like complete suckers, even though the entirely bell-less Lutheran Church up the hill had by far the best parking lot for skateboarding in. "No Bells? Go To Hell!" would have been a likely candidate for our own church's front sign, had gentler voices not prevailed, but bells played through a loudspeaker doesn't do much for the tonality, especially when the message being delivered seems to be nothing but here are a bunch of really loud bells being played with no particular meter or melody.
I mention all of this only to note in passing that if Muslims really wanted to take over our youth, they'd build skateboard parks, and if they really want to annoy entire neighborhoods with deafening noise, they'll have plenty of competition.
And liberals will still tell you that "diversity is our strength" -- while Talibanic enforcers cruise our cities burning books and barber shops... the Supreme Court decides sharia law doesn't violate the "separation of church and state" ... and the Hollywood Left gives up gay rights in favor of the much safer charms of polygamy.
That's exactly ri -- wait, what the hell, barber shops? What the hell does -- oh, some beard thing, I got it. Damn. You know, I can envision any number of scenarios for a future American urban dystopia -- the collapse of the rule of law, the elevation of party over country, the demand to teach uninformed magical bullshit in all our nation's schools under the theory that junior should always bear the burden of his parents most deeply held superstitions, the prospect of genetically modified cheese becoming sentient and establishing a nationwide chain of popular restaurants in which we become the main course -- but I can't say that I've ever stayed awake nights in fear that roving packs of unshaven brown people are going to burn down all the barber shops. That's a new one.
It's probably slightly more likely, of course, that any book burners in this country will be Christians, mind you, since they have a bit of a history of that sort of thing. The establishment of religious law? Heck, you can see that advocated for by televised conservative preachers all across the country. The only thing stopping them is that they can't figure out how many people to exclude as heretics.
The polygamy I think he's got us on. Every man and woman I know would go for polygamy if only the Hollywood Left could join with Talibanic enforcers to make it a reality. But any such axis of power would quickly collapse when the Hollywood Left demanded only gay polygamy, or the first time Ben Affleck shaved.
If you think this can't happen, you haven't been paying attention, as the hilarious and brilliant Mark Steyn -- the most popular conservative columnist in the English-speaking world -- shows to devastating effect in his New York Times bestseller, America Alone: The End of the World As We Know It.
Ah, OK, here comes the pitch, and it reeks of chickpeas and apocalypse, which itself sounds both delicious and painful. Now, don't get me wrong -- I know Mark Steyn is hilarious and brilliant. I know it because an email lazily reworked from a blurb inside the book's dust jacket told me so. An email also told me that I can increase the size of my Little Epiphany threefold by just swallowing some relabeled homeopathic horse dewormer and that some guy in Zimbabwe is going to make me filthy rich if I just send him five grand for cab fare so that he can lug his giant suitcases of cash down to the airport to ship to me. And I believe them all, because if I don't, the terrorists win.
Still, I don't know that Steyn is, say, Imus hilarious, or Rush Limbaugh hilarious. There's a lot of conservative comedy to be mined in the whole "Oh My God, Brown People Are Coming To Burn Down Our Barber Shops" leitmotif, but it has to compete with the equally brilliant "black women have funny looking hair", Rush's legendary theses on race and athleticism, Ann Coulter's observations on which Democratic politicians look gay, Pat Robertson and his wacky God-approved roulette wheel of meteorological retribution, and the lawnchair and Budweiser Passion Plays staged monthly by the Minutemen.
Similarly, I'm sure Steyn is brilliant, but I have a hard time believing he's Zimbabwe-guy brilliant. That guy seriously rocks.
Now, for a limited time, Human Events is making Mark Steyn's America Alone available to you ABSOLUTELY FREE.
Because it's so damn popular they have a half million copies left, I guess.
As Steyn puts it, "The future belongs to the fecund and the confident. And the Islamists are both, while the West -- wedded to a multiculturalism that undercuts its own confidence, a welfare state that nudges it toward sloth and self-indulgence, and a childlessness that consigns it to oblivion -- is looking ever more like the ruins of a civilization."
I have to say, as far as future quotations for the future big coffee table quotation books, "The future belongs to the fecund and the confident" is one I think holds some promise: the American future encapsulated neatly as Enzyte commercial. Mind you, it doesn't have the gentle grace of "go forth and multiply", or the slightly less graceful Germanic "bugger a blue eyed partner for the Reich" but the whole concept of being able to tell your next date that if you don't get some immediate action, the terrorists win -- that's got serious potential. And if you could preface your lovemaking by saying "the most popular conservative columnist in the English-speaking world, Mark Steyn, said..."? Please.
In fact, Mark (while I hate to put any dents in such a masterful core premise), you know what really would ensure that we outbreed those poor brown saps? POLYGAMY, you dumbass!
I'm just sayin': only an idiot of a baker would bake one muffin at a time. Maybe if we start making our wedding bands look a bit more like plastic six-pack rings we'd be able to hold our own a bit better, and for many prominent conservatives having all their weddings at once would have saved them serious dough on tuxedo rentals.
Europe, laments Steyn, is almost certainly a goner. The future, if the West has one, belongs to America alone-with maybe its cousins in brave Australia. But America can still survive, prosper, and defend its freedom only if it continues to believe in itself, in the sturdier virtues of self-reliance (not government), in the centrality of family, and in the conviction that our country really is the world's last best hope.
Yes, what America needs is to start marrying our "cousins". Hell yeah, now that's the conservatism I know so well. 'Bout freakin' time we got to the point.
Still, I'm most immediately intrigued by this consignment of Europe into future non-whiteyland. I mention it because I'm wondering how brown Europe has to be or had to be before we wrote it off, since conservatives have been pretty worried about the inherent brownness of Europeans long before this. I have some Sicilian ancestry, myself, and am quite aware that Sicilians have been considered pretty brown themselves, throughout the history of White Conservative litmus testing. The Italians, the Greeks, the Spanish -- historically, they haven't been very welcome in America among conservatives concerned about them marrying their daughters and breeding the nation into one with better tanning potential. I grew up Roman Catholic, too, which used to be that crazy ethnic people religion of Southern Europe (and, God help us, the near entirety of North America south of about Denver), but compared to the Muslims, heck, we're practically respectable now. So Mark -- those of us whose last names end with vowels, or that have too many Z's in them: are we cool now? Can we help you breed your UltraWhitey cultural vanguard, or would we be making the problem worse? Is there some specific latitude and longitude that's the cutoff, and has it changed from, say, a hundred years ago, back when the problem was folks like my grandfather coming in and ethnicing up the place with our kooky languages and wacky religions?
I only ask because, you know, I want to help. If I'm going to launch myself into a giant patriotic American breeding program, I don't really want my kids to get a big "REJECTED" stamp tattooed on their heads because of recessive ethnicness or a family history of sticking with the Pope instead of that Martin Luther guy or Henry VII, the English monarch that founded a whole religion based on his then-innovative theory of the Unitary Penis. Now that's a noble religion -- entirely different from the crazy lunacy of Islam. (Look at their beards! The funny hats! The wacky rituals! The premise that any religious group other than their own needs to be expunged from the earth, or at least legislated into permanent minority status! I'm sure glad Christians aren't like that.)
Now, I'm sure conservatives everywhere will be quite put out that I'm implying that Mark Steyn or the good folks at Human Events might be, you know... racists. It's not about being brown, it's about defending against Islam, they might say. And yet, it's curious that all of Central and South America is unambiguously dominated by Christianity (our single biggest export from the old colonial days, aside from smallpox), and they're not invited into this little defensive breeding party. Europe may have plenty of Muslims, but they've got more Christians -- that's not enough to stave off the expected menace. The Philippines have one of the largest Christian populations on the planet: no RSVP for them. Only Australia need apply. So it does seem that being lily-white and speaking English has a lot more to do with defending against Islam than anything, you know... religious.
Caucasiana has always been at war with Eurasia?
Mark Steyn's America Alone is laugh-out-loud funny -- but it will also change the way you look at the world. And it is already the most talked-about conservative book of the year.
Honestly, I can believe it. Visions of barbershop massacres, book burnings, Muslims breeding like rabbits, polygamy, Europe under the domination of the bearded menace and an Amerostralian counteroffensive based primarily on a campaign of frantic boinking? There's no part of that that doesn't sound laugh-out-loud funny. It's like The Handmaid's Tale meets Mad Max. Come to think of it, with a few changes in ethnicities it could be like The Handmaid's Tale meets an average Mel Gibson traffic stop. (Hey, look, I made a Mel Gibson reference! I'm edgy!)
It's hard to know whose books to trust, in America today. On one hand we've got Tom Friedman thinking those silly religious ethnic types deserve our factories, but on the other Mark Steyn doesn't think they deserve our parking spots. And then there's Steyn compatriot Dinesh D'Souza, who in his latest book reckons we good Christians should maybe just burn down all our bookstores and barbershops and Ben Afflecks here and now in order to give those Muslim guys a little less of a reason to be pissed off at us.
CLICK HERE to get your FREE copy of Mark Steyn's America Alone today.
Thomas S. Winter
Editor in Chief, HUMAN EVENTS
Yeah, um... I think I'll pass. I've gotten this much fun merely out of an email promotion about the book, if I actually cracked open the book itself I'd probably die within ten pages.
Still, I know that natalism sells, probably because the only scenario under which most conservatives get to feel OK about having sex is if they make it a prerequisite of patriotism. And I know that it's becoming increasingly difficult to come up with plausible scenarios for why we should all be terrified that brown people are going to come and overrun our bookstores and barbershops, but American discourse has been pockmarked for two hundred years with the same speeches targeted at pretty much any ethnicity you can think of and half the religions -- both Christian and not. So kudos for taking a fear-based concept hundreds of years old, one milked by the entire conservative establishment ad nauseam on television and radio and in books and religious services and gun shows and in our liberty-preserving barbershops, and chucking yet another urgent tome onto that already voluminous pile.
But, with all due respect to the Editor in Chief of HUMAN EVENTS, the magazine so patriotic that they've even forsaken lowercase letters, I've read that book before.
P.S: Mark Steyn is Canadian.
Your Polygamy Endorsing Friend,
Hunter, DAILY KOS!!!!!
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Henry VII, the English monarch that founded a whole religion based on his then-innovative theory of the Unitary Penis
"You know, I have a great, wonderful, really original method of teaching antitrust law, and it kept 80 percent of the students awake. They learned things. It was fabulous." -- Justice Stephen Breyer