Terribe Jokes (From Tommy Cooper)

[az_bont]

Tommy Cooper one liners:-

"I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids..."

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.

?Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one
I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the
Dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser
Legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the
books.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people
Were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
Give me a lift? " I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
There anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have
A look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
?What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start"

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
Swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
He couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the
Steaks are too high.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The
Other one says "so are you, you fat b*stard"

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the
dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop
assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. ?Just looking.'

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
And go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the
Same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So
That was nice.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy
An ice-cream' He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start
With one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain
amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To
camp?',I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I
also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily)
'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He
Said "My dog's died.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"


So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went
into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And said 'I careered off the road.'

[Van Lardo]

AWESOME!

Thanks az_bont!

[Specially Cork]

thats beautiful material

[404NotFound]

the dog one is the best.

[CoasterKing]

Tommy Cooper repeats on a Saturday night. Now that would seriously be better than Blind Date or any of the other crap on BBC1 or ITV1

[Matt Average]

I concur. Sweet post.