The Best Damn OT Thread (Advice Thread)

ag3nt_0rang3 · Post by **ag3nt_0rang3** » Mon Jul 05, 2004 11:25 pm

EvilN:

My sincere apologies for overlooking your question.

My personal instincts tell me to suggest you try 20cc's of potassium chloride or a mixture of equal parts of bleach and ammonia in large open container such as a bucket or something of the sort (putting that duct tape bush told you to buy to good use by taping the doors and windows to your room so as not to affect any innocent bystanders) and Im fairly certain that many would agree with me on this once they bother to find out what that all meant; however since ive agree'd to take this advice column/thread seriously:

A quote

Phosphine gas from aluminium phosphide pesticide

Ingesting 3 grams is enough to kill 10 people

After severe vomiting, the
victim loses consciousness, the blood vessels rupture, and body
cavities fill with blood. While the pill is exceedingly lethal, some
escape death because the rate of the gas' release declines with the
pill's age and use, and exposure to moisture.

enquote
Now ..if your really more concerned with living than losing weight you might want to try heavy ingestion of laxitives. This will give you a proven method to purge faster than you can ingest ...just make sure you have one with your hourly cheeseburger and you should be fine. Ignore the loose skin that will plague you as a result of abusing the pills as anyone who comments on the fact that you could make an envelope out of your breasts and mail yourself is obviously jealous of your new trim figure.

Neopunk · Post by **Neopunk** » Mon Jul 05, 2004 11:29 pm

I killed someone. I dont know what to do...the cops dont know yet...and I am a suspect...I just....Im really scared...

Calavera · Post by **Calavera** » Mon Jul 05, 2004 11:32 pm

I'm in love with Belinda Carlisle, should I tell her how I feel?

ag3nt_0rang3 · Post by **ag3nt_0rang3** » Mon Jul 05, 2004 11:33 pm

Stop being a puss ...call the cops and let them know where you are and what you did. Explain in graphic detail why he deserved it and how you intend to do it again to all your neighbors. Make a big show about being willing to turn yourself in as long as they send a few squad cars to pick you up. Then ..when they knock on the door make sure you have a knife in each hand ..and it wouldnt hurt to wipe the blood all over your face for emphasis of your guilt. When you see them with their guns drawn leap at them while shouting profanities.

Dont worry, it'll all work out fine when they realize you only killed your pet dog in the midsts of a sexual act ...that is ..if the bullets dont hit any vital points.

ag3nt_0rang3 · Post by **ag3nt_0rang3** » Mon Jul 05, 2004 11:40 pm

Calavera:

No ...no you dont want to do that ..because you've seen what she looks like and she most likely has no end of people who have already discovered the joys of dianobol who would gladly ruin your 5hit at her merest nod.
If you intend to win her affections you should start a website full of fan art and psychotic rants about why she should fall at your feet and worship you for the 1337 master of the opposite sex you are. Go into many rants at length about fantasies you've had of her and how you are her number 1 fan, but under no circumstances should you stalk her or ever allow yourself to be within 50 feet of her wherever she is. She would consider this distasteful and you would blow your chance forever.

Calavera · Post by **Calavera** » Mon Jul 05, 2004 11:43 pm

I really want to be a rad singer. Should I ask if the Thompson Twins would consider making it the Thompson Triplets?

ag3nt_0rang3 · Post by **ag3nt_0rang3** » Mon Jul 05, 2004 11:59 pm

Yes ..yes you should do that right now. Dont waste any time. Dont even make a demo tape ..just demand that they listen to you sing right there on the spot. If any bodyguards attempt to deter you, knife them because they are jealous hangers on who cant stand the fact that you have talent and they do not.

FETUS · Post by **FETUS** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 12:11 am

theres a girl can't stand her she's a bitch but I love my boy to death she happens to be the mother

ag3nt_0rang3 · Post by **ag3nt_0rang3** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 12:23 am

Its obvious the reason behind this is all the sexual tension. You have a jones for your associates mother and most likely have fantasies about her that are more embarassing than waterworld was to kevin costner. You need to resolve these issues immediately by asking her out to dinner and some "good sweet lovin" afterwards.

Of course I could be totally wrong and she could just be a total bitch who's sole purpose in life is to make you miserable in which case you should tell your associate to tell his mom she's out of line and needs to "fix her face" as an associate would put it.

And remember ..there are always options...

Seppuku ...i could reccomend a good second

Neopunk · Post by **Neopunk** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 12:44 am

Thx....I have another question.

I have recently found out my mother used to be a porn star. I have found some old porno's of her and now I think I may be attracted to her. How should I tell her about my feelings?

ag3nt_0rang3 · Post by **ag3nt_0rang3** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 12:48 am

You should kill yourself to save the shame you would bring to your family. If you check my post to evilN you will find appropriate instructions on how to do so.

FETUS · Post by **FETUS** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 12:48 am

first you must send me these videos second when she's in the shower walk in fully erect

EDIT: Don't be dumb... you've been warned - Sanchez

Sanchez · Post by **Sanchez** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 12:55 am

Ok... time to step in here... this thread is more successful than we first pictured. The ag3nt has described some rather impressive answers with the appopriate amount of truth, humor, and mystique. This said, please do not ask repeated stupid questions. One or two is acceptable, but please give others a chance to ask the new 0racl3 of DCEmu...

ag3nt_0rang3 · Post by **ag3nt_0rang3** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 12:56 am

You can find Waterworld at your local understocked videostore or wherever movies that never made a dime (such as kazaam starring shaq) are sold

Post by **Dr. Zoidberg** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 2:04 am

Hello ag3nt.

Why do I feel a strong sense of deja vu when I read this topic?

Calavera · Post by **Calavera** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 3:06 am

Dr. Zoidberg wrote:Hello ag3nt.

Why do I feel a strong sense of deja vu when I read this topic?

Because you scuttle around yelling, woop woop woop woop woop!

ag3nt_0rang3 · Post by **ag3nt_0rang3** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 3:06 am

Perhaps because the secret of this thread is the part where I tap into your unconcious mind and swipe your thoughts, views and opinions and regurgitate it in digestable bits and pieces that the foaming masses can market and consume?

That or the fact that you remember all too well what my views and opinions are on some of these things

oh btw... found your little furry friend there

apparently he's far from little

Post by **Quzar** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 8:53 am

omg teh kitty pron!

AmadeusZull · Post by **AmadeusZull** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 9:21 am

ag3nt_0rang3 wrote:Yes ...My advice to you (my poorly endowed friend) is to tuck it in, then buy yourself the best cosmetics you can afford as well as a bra and a box of tissue.

Begin your life anew as a drag queen performing sexual acts on deviants until you can afford the cost of a sex change operation. Then with your newfound twisted organs your sisters will envy your giant clitoris.

If this idea isnt appealing to you, the option of seppuku is always open. Remember, there are always choices. If you have need of a second to assist you in the latter I can make some reccomendations.

EDIT: Zull, don't be stupid.

ag3nt_0rang3 · Post by **ag3nt_0rang3** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 10:10 am

It would appear then that seppuku is the only option left to you.
Just keep in mind:

You start by inserting the blade into the lower left hand side of your abdomen and bring it to the right, follow this with an upward stroke. Do it in clean quick strokes if you wish to prevent prolonged agony (but hey ...you can only commit seppuku once so why not add a little flare and show off). Remember, the more agonizing it is the more likely everyone will remember you by your honorable passing and not as the guy who always foolishly put strange things in his mouth.

Your second (or Kaishakunin) should be someone you trust and respect (or at least someone who wishes to see you exit this world quickly regardless of the potential amusement and gloating potential in seeing you bleed to death from your own disemboweling) and as such they should not be squeemish or likely to get light headed in the sight of the grand quantities of blood you will be shedding. Make sure you dont get any of your clubwhore buds who think they're too GQ to get a little blood on their bruno mali's.

Remember ...if a displeasing tea master can save face with seppuku (Sen no Rikyu is who Im referring to of course) so can you. If it was good enough for the nobility its good enough for you.

I wish you the best in your passing on to Buddha; and for gods sake whatever you do, dont ruin it all by crying like a goddamned twit near the end.

This should give you a general idea of what to expect