Trust

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Trust

Post by ace »

I don't trust anything. I mean that in a very literal sense. And it's not just paranoia or anxiety.

I used to joke that I felt like I was stuck in my own personal Truman Show, and that no one in my life was real - that they were just there for the purpose of the entertainment of my audience. I've mentioned that to people here before, but that's not what this is about.

I don't think there is some plot or underlying force that is systematically seeking to decieve me. It's not like that at all. I feel like everything is falling apart and I can't place my trust in anyone or anything right now. I see people around me lying straight to my face then turning around and talking to me about trust and it's importance.

It's almost as if I'm stuck in a vacuum. There was a time when I could trust so easily. Even when it should have been glaringly obvious that someone was not trustworthy, I would still give them the benefit of the doubt and pour my heart out the them. Even after been cut on more than one occasion. Now the trust I held for people in my life is being sucked away. People I trusted with my life, I don't trust to tell the most basic details about my day.

Why am I posting this? Because I feel like I distrust strangers the least. And even though I know many of you on a personal level, we are in fact still strangers. And I needed to shout this from a rooftop, but I don't trust the world enough to do that. DCEmu is my rooftop today.
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Re: Trust

Post by stagg »

Who hasn't thought they were in their own Truman Show at least one part of their lives? I know I have. It is hard to trust people, I can't trust half my friends, I just decided that I just can't tell anyone anything I am not comfortable with everyone in my highschool knowing.
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Re: Trust

Post by ace »

stagg wrote:Who hasn't thought they were in their own Truman Show at least one part of their lives? I know I have. It is hard to trust people, I can't trust half my friends, I just decided that I just can't tell anyone anything I am not comfortable with everyone in my highschool knowing.
I don't trust my best friend, my parents, my girlfriend.
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Re: Trust

Post by stagg »

ace wrote:
stagg wrote:Who hasn't thought they were in their own Truman Show at least one part of their lives? I know I have. It is hard to trust people, I can't trust half my friends, I just decided that I just can't tell anyone anything I am not comfortable with everyone in my highschool knowing.
I don't trust my best friend, my parents, my girlfriend.
Maybe it is because you are insecure?
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Re: Trust

Post by AgentGreen »

Since the name attached to the post isn't ETR and I know you're not between the ages of 14-19, nor are you one to seek attention for no good reason, I'll take this very seriously.

The thing with people close to you that makes you lose trust in them is that they often do stuff that hurts us and we aren't wont to cause trouble about it and therefore we grit and bear it rather than telling them how you feel. If the negativity isn't either dealt with directly or redirected into an outlet, it just builds up into doubt or insecurity or anger or any combination thereof.

So something these people have done bothers you to the point where you don't trust them. Maybe they're just apathetic towards your personal needs, maybe they just do stuff without thinking it'll bother anyone, or maybe they're self-serving.

I'm just assuming this of course, but if it's true talk to these people about it or find a therapist to talk to and help you deal.
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Re: Trust

Post by ace »

AgentGreen wrote:Since the name attached to the post isn't ETR and I know you're not between the ages of 14-19, nor are you one to seek attention for no good reason, I'll take this very seriously.

The thing with people close to you that makes you lose trust in them is that they often do stuff that hurts us and we aren't wont to cause trouble about it and therefore we grit and bear it rather than telling them how you feel. If the negativity isn't either dealt with directly or redirected into an outlet, it just builds up into doubt or insecurity or anger or any combination thereof.

So something these people have done bothers you to the point where you don't trust them. Maybe they're just apathetic towards your personal needs, maybe they just do stuff without thinking it'll bother anyone, or maybe they're self-serving.

I'm just assuming this of course, but if it's true talk to these people about it or find a therapist to talk to and help you deal.
Oh. My. God. Jesus Christ, AgentGreen, you absolutely hit the nail on the head. You basically just posted EVERYTHING I'm feeling right now - LITERALLY.

I've already talked to one person I'm having issues with - my girlfriend. It basically became an argument, and I realized that we never resolve our issues when we fight. She doesn't like to solve an issue without taking a step back and thinking about it... which drives me nuts, because then I over-analyse the situation during our time apart. After stepping back, we often don't talk for a day or two, then neither of us says what we are really thinking and we just sort of forget about it. And I really hate that.

The most recent issue is this: We are moving out together. She has already moved, I'm still waiting for salary negotiations to come be finished before I can move.

The other night she asked me to call her around 8:30 because she finished her shift at 8 and she would be home around then. Now, she doesn't work in a bad neighbourhood, nor do we live in a bad neighbourhood, but it's not perfect either. There is crime just as in any big city, and I worry about her. I know she is a grown woman who can take care of herself, but I still worry. I'm sure I'll get over it with time though.

In any case, I called her at 8:30-ish and I got our answering machine. I figured maybe she had to work late, so I put the phone down and told myself I'd call her a little later. Well, I called her again at around 9:30, she still wasn't home. So I was starting to get a little worried about her, as I always do when I can't be at the apartment to pick her up or meet her after work. So I called another time closer to 10. Now I was getting concerned. I asked a mutual friend of ours (though not a neutral friend, her and my girlfriend are closer than this friend and I are) and asked her to call the apartment and see if she was there, since my number is a private number and maybe my girlfriend was not picking up because of that.

Now this other girl ALWAYS leaves a message, no matter what. So she says she called the apartment and there was no answer, so she left a message. It was getting later in the evening now, closer to 11:00, so I figured I'd make one last call, leave a message, then go to bed. So I called the apartment, left my message, then listened to it. Then I checked the rest of the messages. There was only one message - mine. So for whatever reason, this girl either did not call, or did not leave a message, or actually spoke to my girlfriend and lied to me. And just minutes later, she starts talking about trust.

So at around 12 a.m. my girlfriend called me and said she had gone to have coffee with her friend - we'll call her Lisa. I was ticked off, but I bit my tongue because I didn't want to start a fight.

I brought the issue up last night after writing my first post and admitting to my girlfriend that I did not trust anyone. She was hurt obviously that I said that, since it included her. Then I explained the situation from the previous day, and she made a comment along the lines of "I moved out so I could get away from my parents acting like that, etc, etc."

I'm not controlling and I'm not a jealous person. I don't expect her to "check in with me", but she knows how much I worry about her. I think it's inconsiderate of her to not at least say "Hey, I'm out right now. Don't worry about calling." or something.
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Re: Trust

Post by Pyrite »

People are unreliable.
THAN/THEN get it right peoples!
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Re: Trust

Post by APE »

Pyrite wrote:People are unreliable.
I go above and beyond the call of duty to make sure I'm reliable whenever I'm needed, and if for some reason I can't fulfill whatever has been asked of me I make sure to let them know ahead of time. Problem is very few people I know have realized this and don't reciprocate, almost not worth the effort but for the few who know it it's worth it.
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Re: Trust

Post by |darc| »

AgentGreen wrote:Since the name attached to the post isn't ETR and I know you're not between the ages of 14-19, nor are you one to seek attention for no good reason, I'll take this very seriously.

The thing with people close to you that makes you lose trust in them is that they often do stuff that hurts us and we aren't wont to cause trouble about it and therefore we grit and bear it rather than telling them how you feel. If the negativity isn't either dealt with directly or redirected into an outlet, it just builds up into doubt or insecurity or anger or any combination thereof.

So something these people have done bothers you to the point where you don't trust them. Maybe they're just apathetic towards your personal needs, maybe they just do stuff without thinking it'll bother anyone, or maybe they're self-serving.

I'm just assuming this of course, but if it's true talk to these people about it or find a therapist to talk to and help you deal.
I went through a similar spell in high school where I did not trust anyone. Now, I know it's easy to think "well, you were between the ages of 14-19" (and I still am 19), but in hindsight I can see the silliness of things I've thought and felt in high school and I don't think my insecurity towards my friends was one of those silly things.

I didn't feel like I could really trust anyone. I felt as if I had to act differently around certain people, to a point where I felt I was almost being manipulative in order to get what I wanted from the relationships I had with my friends. Not manipulative in a bad way, but in a way where I'd have to custom tailor my speech to get favorable responses. It's hard to explain, but I simply never felt like I was on any sort of real level with my friends back then. In a way, I also sometimes felt that I was more mature than they were and in order to keep my friends I sort of had to stoop to their level in order to retain them as friends. Now, in hindsight, I wasn't a whole lot more mature than they were, but I still felt insecure as I had no one I could really trust.

Most of those friends I don't talk to anymore. I have a much smaller group of friends because I simply don't take bullshit anymore. I'm tired of the days where I feel that other people are constantly being manipulative and in order to communicate with other human beings and not be trampled upon I too would have to adopt a manipulating manner. I don't want to have to decipher someone's true meaning from their fake speech.

I distance myself as much as possible from people who cause drama. The second someone lies to me, I sever ties with them, no matter how much I think they mean to me. Because if there's nothing they're doing wrong, there's no reason to lie. I personally think the concept of "white lies" is bullshit; if people are simply up-front with one another from the get-go there is no reason to have to say a white lie.

I don't really feel like I've adequately expressed myself in this post, but I think if elaborate even further I'll like even more like an emo kid than I already do, so whatever.
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Re: Trust

Post by Hawke »

ace wrote:
stagg wrote:Who hasn't thought they were in their own Truman Show at least one part of their lives? I know I have. It is hard to trust people, I can't trust half my friends, I just decided that I just can't tell anyone anything I am not comfortable with everyone in my highschool knowing.
I don't trust my best friend, my parents, my girlfriend.
Just finished wprking through this with my little asian counterpart. Basically we agreed to 1, not hide anything from eachother (Thats of importance... you can't tell someone EVERYTHING) and 2, that we'd openly discuss the things that most people either ignore, or let rot till the tiny sliver has become a huge festering infected wound.

Talking helps. Big time. Many a night were spent just talking about very small yet important details.

I'm here for you regardless Ace d(-_-d) and I'm still willing to lend that hand with the move if ever you decide!! :D
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Re: Trust

Post by ace »

Holy. Fuck. Not even a fucking week after I write this topic I make the STUPID mistake of telling a friend a few things about how I've been feeling lately. I SPECIFICALLY asked her to keep it between us and NOT to tell my girlfriend, since a lot of it has to do with my regrets. Of course, she promised she wouldn't. What does this fucking girl do? She goes RIGHT ahead and tells my girlfriend. This is EXACTLY why I don't trust anyone.

What really scares me is that I've told this girl a lot of stuff in the past, and now I wonder how much of it was actually kept confidential. And a lot of what I've told her has to do with my girlfriend and a lot of it is stuff I wouldn't want my girlfriend to know.

For fucks sakes. I now feel like my entire relationship with my girlfriend is completely unbalanced. It's like she has a cheat guide or Coles notes on me and our relationship. I'm going in blind, having to work through our problems, doubts, issues and insecurities all on my own, and she has this plethora of knowledge about me. I hardly know anything about my girlfriend, compared to what she knows about me if this friend has told her even HALF of what I told her.

I feel like she knows too much about me now.

I really don't know how to feel. Fuck.

I'm totally flipping out here. From now on, I'm just bottling up my fucking feelings and not repeating them to anyone.

Among the things my girlfriend now knows about: My regrets in not staying with my ex-girlfriend (my ex and I had just started dating again when I met me current girlfriend). My regret in moving out with her. My regret in how my girlfriend treated her ex (she cheated on her ex with me). She knows all about this issue I'm having with trust now too. About how I feel I've been too open with my girlfriend. About how I don't even know her. About how I don't even feel like my girlfriend and I are friends. I told her straight up that I don't trust my girlfriend very much. And yes, these are issues that I will obviously have to address with my girlfriend at some time, but it should be my RIGHT to decide when to do that.

I fucking poured my heart out to this friend, I told her how much my past hurts me, and how I difficult it was for me to say all that. And she promised me it would stay between us.

It's so fucking ironic. I actually TRUSTED someone enough to tell them I have issues with trust, and I got betrayed.
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Re: Trust

Post by APE »

ace wrote: I'm totally flipping out here. From now on, I'm just bottling up my fucking feelings and not repeating them to anyone.
Can't say I know how you feel on the rest of the topic but I know exactly how this feels, albeit in different manners or situations.

I mentioned to my mom I had thought about going to San Francisco in a year, I'll have all the credits I need for my associates except for one PE class which I could finish at their JC then transfer over to CSU SF as the UC schools won't take a chunk of my existing credits. She said it might be a good idea to look at Sacramento instead as it's cheaper, I don't really like Sacramento that much and it kinda ticked me off but I left it at that.

I went with my dad to Costco yesterday and he decides to bring up the fact I mentioned it like I had it set in stone. Since then I've already changed my mind to Pacficia, San Bruno or Brisbane as they're close to SF but do not have the insane housing prices (at least not as bad) nor do you feel like you're living in a concrete jungle, you can actually have a front yard and driveway to park on as opposed to parking a block away. I WILL NOT tell them this as they've both blown their chances to just leave it be as none of this will happen in anything but a years time, if not at the end of next summer. For that matter I'm not even going to bother telling them my class schedule unless they absolutely need it, neither of them have shown much interest in anything I do unless it's going to affect them somehow, and the typical parental passing interest.

My dad's main problem is that he had his wrist fused so he has been off work for the last 2 months, cabin fever gets to those quick who are used to working 9 to 4 virtually every day of the week. As such he has been asking dumb questions about virtually everything. I have a package to be shipped out and it's obvious that is the case due to the packaging label on it and that I'm putting it out on the porch just before mail is typically delivered. Another day I had a pot of noodles cooked and ready to read with sauce and he asked if it was bad. His reasoning was that I had to throw away the last batch (because the sauce had mold in it and I didn't notice until after I had poured it) so this batch would be bad as well, despite me having opened a brand new container.

What sucks the most is that there is only one person I know that I can actually open up to and they're not the most reliable of types, like truly open up as you did to your friend. Sure I've got people I can talk to about when something pisses me off or a personal problem, but not truly 100% open up. I even had gone to counseling years ago and wouldn't open up to them, it felt arbitrary and that telling them made your problem feel like it wasn't legitimate. Cool people to talk to about almost any subject but no-one I could open up to.

With each post that puts women in a negative light AgentGreen looks better and better every day. At least I understand my fellow man.
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Re: Trust

Post by AgentGreen »

ace wrote:Holy. Fuck. Not even a fucking week after I write this topic I make the STUPID mistake of telling a friend a few things about how I've been feeling lately. I SPECIFICALLY asked her to keep it between us and NOT to tell my girlfriend, since a lot of it has to do with my regrets. Of course, she promised she wouldn't. What does this fucking girl do? She goes RIGHT ahead and tells my girlfriend. This is EXACTLY why I don't trust anyone.

What really scares me is that I've told this girl a lot of stuff in the past, and now I wonder how much of it was actually kept confidential. And a lot of what I've told her has to do with my girlfriend and a lot of it is stuff I wouldn't want my girlfriend to know.

For fucks sakes. I now feel like my entire relationship with my girlfriend is completely unbalanced. It's like she has a cheat guide or Coles notes on me and our relationship. I'm going in blind, having to work through our problems, doubts, issues and insecurities all on my own, and she has this plethora of knowledge about me. I hardly know anything about my girlfriend, compared to what she knows about me if this friend has told her even HALF of what I told her.

I feel like she knows too much about me now.

I really don't know how to feel. Fuck.

I'm totally flipping out here. From now on, I'm just bottling up my fucking feelings and not repeating them to anyone.

Among the things my girlfriend now knows about: My regrets in not staying with my ex-girlfriend (my ex and I had just started dating again when I met me current girlfriend). My regret in moving out with her. My regret in how my girlfriend treated her ex (she cheated on her ex with me). She knows all about this issue I'm having with trust now too. About how I feel I've been too open with my girlfriend. About how I don't even know her. About how I don't even feel like my girlfriend and I are friends. I told her straight up that I don't trust my girlfriend very much. And yes, these are issues that I will obviously have to address with my girlfriend at some time, but it should be my RIGHT to decide when to do that.

I fucking poured my heart out to this friend, I told her how much my past hurts me, and how I difficult it was for me to say all that. And she promised me it would stay between us.

It's so fucking ironic. I actually TRUSTED someone enough to tell them I have issues with trust, and I got betrayed.
See, now this is why I recommended bringing these issues up with either the people you have issues with or a therapist. Your friend is definitely in the wrong for telling secrets, but they probably felt this was something she needed to know and was working for what they felt was the greater good.

You can't have a relationship where you're hiding your feelings from your partner. You can have secrets, yeah, but they have to come out eventually. Feelings (especially of insecurity, fear, and doubt in the relationship itself), however, should not be hidden and bottled up.

Maybe you're feeling you jumped into this relationship too soon or that you're moving too fast? You said you met her when you and your ex were starting dating again, so I assume you really didn't have much of a break between the relationships. You just started living with her, and if I recall correctly you just started going out with her a few months ago.

But anyway, don't bottle in a relationship. Bottle with a boss, bottle with some idiot on the streets, bottle with a waiter that gave you a Pepsi instead of a Coke, but just don't EVER bottle your feelings with your partner. Eventually bottles break and whatever is inside leaves a big sticky mess all over everything.
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Re: Trust

Post by AgentGreen »

APE wrote: With each post that puts women in a negative light AgentGreen looks better and better every day. At least I understand my fellow man.
Um...Thanks? :o
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Re: Trust

Post by ace »

AgentGreen wrote:
ace wrote:Holy. Fuck. Not even a fucking week after I write this topic I make the STUPID mistake of telling a friend a few things about how I've been feeling lately. I SPECIFICALLY asked her to keep it between us and NOT to tell my girlfriend, since a lot of it has to do with my regrets. Of course, she promised she wouldn't. What does this fucking girl do? She goes RIGHT ahead and tells my girlfriend. This is EXACTLY why I don't trust anyone.

What really scares me is that I've told this girl a lot of stuff in the past, and now I wonder how much of it was actually kept confidential. And a lot of what I've told her has to do with my girlfriend and a lot of it is stuff I wouldn't want my girlfriend to know.

For fucks sakes. I now feel like my entire relationship with my girlfriend is completely unbalanced. It's like she has a cheat guide or Coles notes on me and our relationship. I'm going in blind, having to work through our problems, doubts, issues and insecurities all on my own, and she has this plethora of knowledge about me. I hardly know anything about my girlfriend, compared to what she knows about me if this friend has told her even HALF of what I told her.

I feel like she knows too much about me now.

I really don't know how to feel. Fuck.

I'm totally flipping out here. From now on, I'm just bottling up my fucking feelings and not repeating them to anyone.

Among the things my girlfriend now knows about: My regrets in not staying with my ex-girlfriend (my ex and I had just started dating again when I met me current girlfriend). My regret in moving out with her. My regret in how my girlfriend treated her ex (she cheated on her ex with me). She knows all about this issue I'm having with trust now too. About how I feel I've been too open with my girlfriend. About how I don't even know her. About how I don't even feel like my girlfriend and I are friends. I told her straight up that I don't trust my girlfriend very much. And yes, these are issues that I will obviously have to address with my girlfriend at some time, but it should be my RIGHT to decide when to do that.

I fucking poured my heart out to this friend, I told her how much my past hurts me, and how I difficult it was for me to say all that. And she promised me it would stay between us.

It's so fucking ironic. I actually TRUSTED someone enough to tell them I have issues with trust, and I got betrayed.
See, now this is why I recommended bringing these issues up with either the people you have issues with or a therapist. Your friend is definitely in the wrong for telling secrets, but they probably felt this was something she needed to know and was working for what they felt was the greater good.

You can't have a relationship where you're hiding your feelings from your partner. You can have secrets, yeah, but they have to come out eventually. Feelings (especially of insecurity, fear, and doubt in the relationship itself), however, should not be hidden and bottled up.

Maybe you're feeling you jumped into this relationship too soon or that you're moving too fast? You said you met her when you and your ex were starting dating again, so I assume you really didn't have much of a break between the relationships. You just started living with her, and if I recall correctly you just started going out with her a few months ago.

But anyway, don't bottle in a relationship. Bottle with a boss, bottle with some idiot on the streets, bottle with a waiter that gave you a Pepsi instead of a Coke, but just don't EVER bottle your feelings with your partner. Eventually bottles break and whatever is inside leaves a big sticky mess all over everything.
I don't think this friend is doing it for my girlfriend's sake. I really think (and keep in mind that I know these people in person), that she tells all my secrets no matter what they are so that my girlfriend can "get the upper hand". If you knew their relationship, you'd probably agree.

I'm not bottling up with my girlfriend per se. I'm selective, and I don't tell her everything right away. But there are certain things I hold sacred and close to my heart that I almost never share with anyone. My ex-girlfriend is one of those things. She was a very special girl and our relationship was incredible for the duration. It was happiest I've ever been, and I'll never get that back. I talk to very few people about it because it was so special to me, it's a part of my past I keep for myself.

I'm not really hiding my feelings either. I discussed my issue of trust with her the other day, but I don't want to a.) give her a torrent of my insecurities at once - one at a time b.) want to talk to much to anyone right now, in lieu of these trust issues.

Basically, the way I see it is this: my girlfriend knows I'm having a crisis right now, especially in terms of trust. If she knows someone is betraying my trust and she is not telling me, she's just as bad as the betrayer. That's my biggest issue right now.
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Re: Trust

Post by arrowhead »

-Ace-

I know how you feel bro. I don't trust most people either. I don't trust most people I have known for 12 years (since jr high school). Anyway, my theory goes like this: if you didn't grow up with them since age 5, don't trust them. Of coarse there are some exceptions, you might meet people that have never let you down or blabbed about and you eventually can give them trust. Also, if there was some sort of life changing event that the two of you shared I can say perhaps you can trust them. For example, army buddies, or police partners, etc.

The only people I truly trust are related to me by blood. Father, mother, brother, grandmother. Also, my fiance. If I didn't completely trust her, I wouldn't have proposed to her. Thats where my true trust ends. People I thought were as close to me as brothers I found out were trying to hit on my chick, stole shit from my car, were flaky when I truly needed them, were liars.

I guess I'm just sort of venting my issues in your topic, but bottom line is I am very picky with who I give my trust to, so I wanted you to know that I don't think you are odd or too cynical or pessimistic. Trust is a delicate thing, and I believe whole heartedly that is must be earned, never just given.
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Re: Trust

Post by IiLuSiv »

Trust your Father. Your Mother loves you and will do whatever she can, but she probably doesn't understand what you're going through. Just trust your Father.

Noone loves you like a Father, for an old man the only semblance of life he knows he'll have in death is his son.
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Re: Trust

Post by mankrip »

Ace,

I have a similar problem. I'm very selective about trust, I only tell people what I think they have no interest on or what they can't use against me.

Also I'm a lonely person, which is very sad sometimes. Usually I have no problem talking to people, but when I want to be friends with someone they start avoiding me. And then I just give up and return to my business. I don't mind this happening in my personal life anymore, but this makes things much harder in work environments.
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ace
Forum ace
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Re: Trust

Post by ace »

Even when I'm with friends - even with my girlfriend, I feel lonely.
IiLuSiv
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Re: Trust

Post by IiLuSiv »

Man I am so lonely too dude. Why does anyone go on forums.

Lol.

Honestly, I am one lonely sob. I try everything and nothing fixes it. People have reached out to me so many times in my life and I've never grabbed, it's ruined me.

I hide on the internet on forums, in my room, work dead end jobs, do cocaine, hang out lift weights, f-ed around with roids, have no money because I spend to fill the void, no skills because I reject those who try to teach me.

I used to lie to keep people away, then manipulated when I got around, now I just don't talk. That's why I started posting here again I guess. Some semblance of community.

At least you have friends man, at least you have people dude. At least you can rectify your relationships, I've ran most of mine into the ground. I'm not asking for a pity party, I'm just being straight with you.

If that girl loves you, you are lucky. Just open up man. I really damaged a girl who loved me, and I've never been the same for it.
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